The Wedding Role Hierarchy
You can call me Minister Spencer now
I would be willing to bet a beer that I could guess your age based on the weekend events you’ve attended over the past six months.
Five birthday parties in a row? You’ve got to be in middle school and your friends are throwing successive parties at soccer zone or your local lazer tag facility.
Three baby showers and a bridal shower? You’re likely looking that your early thirties as friends start winding down on weddings and ramping up on kids.
Two funeral and two weddings? Possibly a grandparent or at least over 60. Time begins to catch-up to your oldest friends, and grandchildren or nieces and nephews begin to get married.
Three weddings? How about six weddings and two bachelor parties? You must be my age because those are the social events I went to this year. Attending weddings at a what feels like every other weekend for two years straight is a hallmark of your twenties.
Last year I attended four weddings (including my own) and this year that number jumped up to six (while actually being invited to nine, but being unable to make it to three).
I’m not at 27 dresses yet, but I feel like I’m getting pretty darn close.
As I reflect on all these matrimonial affairs, I’ve come to realize that I’ve played nearly every role a wedding has to offer. From the humble usher to the all-powerful officiant, I’ve witnessed it all, and I’ve done it all. Regardless of the role, it’s always an honor to be part of someone’s big day - even as a guest. After all, the couple is likely shelling out a cool $150 a head so you can join in celebrating their love story.
When the Bride or Groom asks you, out of all their friends and family, to step into an elevated role, it’s a big deal. You now have a responsibility on one of the most important day’s of their life.
However, some of these responsibilities carry far more weight, and I dare say, are “harder” than others. Today, I’m sharing my personal ranking of the most challenging roles one can play at a wedding - from the easiest to the most demanding.
Guest
Ah, to be a carefree wedding guest. My only concerns as I coast into a wedding ceremony are whether I am over or underdressed, who I will be seated next to at the reception, and how long the cocktail hour line will be.
Truly the least demanding of roles, you simply need to RSVP and follow through on that RSVP by attending the event and not wasting a pre-payed plate.
I’d say that you also owe the Bride and Groom a couple appearances on their dance floor. Let’s say one song for every two drinks you get from the bar? That’s not a bad trade in my book.
Even as a regular guest of weddings, I always find myself frantically asking other attendees for a pen a few hours before the start (they are also looking for a pen) to compose a hastily written note in a card that I bought the day before on the drive to the location.
Lower your already low day-of stress and make sure to write that thoughtful congratulations well ahead of time.
Groomsman
I swear they can’t make being a groomsman any easier, but I keep seeing this role kicking back and relaxing more and more.
Starting with the big ask, you’ll likely be approached by your close friend with a small, thoughtful gift or a six pack that leads up to the question. Of course you accept, and now you are already ahead a few beers!
Next you’ll be added to a chaotic group chat with the other groomsmen, where you share names and raucous stories about the Groom. As the Best Man frantically tries to coordinate schedules, locations and events for the upcoming bachelor party, you choose to text back and return Venmo requests at your leisure.
You cough up some money to fly to Austin or Las Vegas, and buy the Groom way too many drinks. Your job is to bond with the other guys and make sure said Groom has a good time and remains decidedly not sober for the duration of the weekend.
Jump to the big event and you get your first free meal at rehearsal dinner after practicing an effortless stroll up the aisle. Bring a plus one, enjoy a few drinks, and socialize with your new wedding party friends - no need to worry about an early start tomorrow.
On the wedding day, you’ll probably sleep in until 9am, or maybe even as late as 11am. After all, your only real tasks are repeating that walk down the aisle and coming up with a clever entrance dance. Once that’s done, it’s smooth sailing and your matching suit rental acts as a free pass to cut the line at the bar.
Usher
The core wedding party can only be so big, which is why we have ushers. You likely hold a special place in the Bride or Groom’s heart, but they could only ask so many friends to stand next to them at the ceremony. Don’t be crestfallen, you basically are groomsman or bridesmaid 2.0. Often ushers get to attend the bachelor/bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and hangout with the wedding party leading up to the ceremony. You just get out of the expensive suit rental.
Your single responsibility is to greet guests and help them find their seat. You are often the first impression guests have of the event, so welcome them with a warm smile and friendly hello. Once the 30ish minutes of arrival has passed, you are in the clear and can start deliberating over what moves you are going to show off on the dance floor.
Reader
I was delightfully surprised to be asked to read at a close friend’s wedding last year. The couple had a Catholic ceremony (the accelerated version) and I would be reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I put on my best church voice and read about love being patient and kind.
As long as you practice a few times and get your ceremony cues down during rehearsal, there really isn’t too much to this one. However, you do get to say you participated in the wedding, and some guests might even recognize you and give you a pat on the back during the reception.
Guest of Someone in the Wedding Party
Both my wife and I have, unfortunately, had to attend several weddings as the guest of someone in the wedding party. The misfit, the plus-one, the recluse.
Here’s hoping that you know at least a handful of other guests so you have someone to chat with while your partner disappears to take photos for five hours throughout the day.
Get your small talk topics ready, odds are you will be seated at a table with the other lost souls of the wedding party plus ones.
Groom
I can only share from my experience as the Groom at my own wedding, and I won’t even attempt to speak to what it might feel like to be the Bride. That’s a whole different level of celebrity - the spotlight, the intense preparation, the dress!
By this point, you’re hoping all the million moving pieces you set in motion over the past year have come together, allowing the couple at the center of it all to actually relax and enjoy the day. The wedding machine is in full motion, and your job as the Groom is to ride the wave.
Of course there will be some butterflies in the stomach and a growing anxious anticipation as the ceremony grows near. But at the same time, the Groom gets to hangout with good friends, take a handful of photos and marry the love of their life. Once you walk down the aisle with partner in hand, you’ll actually start looking forward to that first dance you’ve been rehearsing for the past few months.
Officiant
This past September, I had the extreme privilege to serve as the officiant for a wedding of two very dear friends of mine.
In all honesty, I was shocked when this couple asked me to officiate their wedding. Binding two souls together for eternity, with the full weight of the state behind me? This was not on my original vision board for 2024.
Officiating a wedding is high stakes business. If I messed something up in this role, the couple literally would not be married. I didn’t know the first thing about this process. So like anyone else would, I typed “become an officiant” into Google, hit a few buttons, payed a small fee, and next thing I knew, I was an ordained minister with the Universal Life Church.
The best part of officiating a wedding is the VIP access to the couple. Taking my job very seriously, I met with the future Mr. and Mrs. a handful of times to get a deeper understanding of their background and relationship. From these discussions, I crafted a personal ceremony script that was reviewed and tweaked by the to-be-weds over the course of a few months.
Even practicing the full script over 20 times, I was still quite nervous walking up to the podium and starting the ceremony. It was being recorded, and I wanted to sound warm and steady for the video that would be played 5, 10, 30 and forever years into the future.
Without a doubt, the hardest part of officiating is withholding the tempting thought to open the ceremony with that infamous double “w” whine from The Princess Bride.
Officiating a wedding for a friend is high stress role but an immense honor. I think I even enjoyed it, and received positive praise from the newly weds and their guests. At least that’s what they were willing to say to my face.
That being said, if you are looking for someone to officiate your wedding or a friend’s, I’m on the market.
Best Man
Finally, we’ve arrived at the Best Man (or Maid of Honor) - the one individual, in my opinion, who shoulders the heaviest burden on the wedding day.
I’ve had the honor of serving as Best Man once, for my brother, and I’ll be stepping into those shoes again next year for my best friend’s wedding.
As the Best Man, you are the Groom’s #1 supporter - you are his rock, his anchor, his hype man, his water boy, his mini wedding planner, his confidant, and most importantly, his best friend. This role comes with high expectations, from coordinating a memorable bachelor trip to delivering a speech that strikes the perfect balance between heartfelt and humorous.
You are a reflection of the Groom. The stories you share in your speech offer a window into his past and a glimpse of the future for the man seated at the head table. It will set the tone for the remainder of the celebration and shape how the guests view this next chapter of the couple’s life together.
The relationship between the Groom and Best Man is built on trust, brotherhood, and unwavering friendship. It is the greatest honor a Groom can bestow, and begins long before the official ask and carries on well past the ceremony itself.
You are not just the Best Man for a night, but rather a lifelong pillar of support, there for every memory leading up to this day and every milestone after.
What’s next?
If a handful of my close friends are any indicator of what’s to come, I’m sure the gender reveal, baby shower and one-year birthday party invites will slowly start making their way into my mailbox.
The Bel
You see all these people at the wedding but never really stop to think about their roles in a well spelled out newsletter. Nice job. And the Princess Bride reference is spot on. Now I won't be able to get that out of my head for the rest of the day. Thanks for that.